


I'm Alive

by turnupfortrash



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Attacks, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, Light BDSM, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-03 19:52:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14576409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turnupfortrash/pseuds/turnupfortrash
Summary: My hands pulled up above me, and you whisper you love me. And I begin to fade, into our secret place.aka Bucky likes to roughhouse with Steve but what hereallylikes is when Steve is winning.





	I'm Alive

**Author's Note:**

> *POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING*  
> Bucky does have a panic attack. It’s written out but not terribly graphic imo but if that’s something that could bother you and you want more info hit me up or just skip the fic. No hard feelings. 
> 
> ANYWAYS so I wrote what was supposed to be a song fic based off a vaguely religious song that I listened to at church when I was younger but it turned into a bdsm lite highschool au so…. *shrugs*  
> The song is All Around Me by Flyleaf. Not a terrible song if you’re feeling adventurous.  
> OH and this is unedited because A) I didn't have anyone to edit it for me and B) I am incredibly impatient

Steve’s body was stretched out over him. Bucky’s wrists pinned on his pillows and Steve’s long legs pressed up against his. He had to feel it, he had to know. Bucky could feel a fire rising inside him, his hands fidgeted until Steve moved to lock their fingers together. Pushing it farther into the pillow. The air feels thick and heavy around them and Bucky can’t help but gasp at the pressure on his hands. It’s all so much and not enough at the same time. 

Bucky looked up at him through hooded eyes, “Steve… please?”

Bucky wasn’t quite sure what he’s asking for, but judging by the look on his face, Steve does.

* * *

 

Like many things in life, it started out innocent. Teenage boys roughhousing, as they were wont to do, and Bucky was a good enough friend to even let Steve win sometimes. Arguments that got too serious, trying to wrestle the controller from each other, or even tussling around in the yard just for the sake of it. It was just boys being boys. Or, at least that was what Bucky kept telling himself. Anything to avoid thinking about the fact that him letting Steve win wasn’t entirely altruistic.  In fact, Bucky almost preferred it that way. Not that he would ever tell Steve that. Telling your best friend that you liked it when he pinned you to the bed while straddling you is definitely beyond the limits of  _ no homo _ . 

There was just something about it that made the wires in Bucky’s body light up. He often found himself comparing it the moment when all the final wires are connected in his robotics work. The second it’s all together it just seems to come alive. Bucky wasn’t sure when it changed when innocent play got twisted up like this in his head. But once he realized it, it’s been hard to not think about it. To not think about how strong Steve is, considering his size. How large of a presence he is, how he has this aura of power around him that no one else seems to realize is there. Steve is a natural born leader and Bucky is starting to think that he was born to follow Steve, till the end of the line. Wherever that may be. 

The problem is, Bucky is very, decidedly, in no way, shape, or form  _ gay _ . The way he hears his Dad talk about gay guys, Bucky knows that it isn’t him. He doesn’t dress in women's clothing, he doesn’t enjoy dancing or partying, and most of all he doesn’t think girls are gross. Hell, Bucky loves girls, but part of his brain is telling him that this doesn’t compute. That loving the feel of Steve’s body pressed down against his, that thinking Steve is beautiful as his cheeks warm and his hair falls loosely across his forehead, that all these things just don’t make sense for a straight guy. Bucky’s almost resolved himself to talk to Steve about it the day Steve asks Peggy to prom.

* * *

 

Steve was sweet and fierce, coming down the hall with a bundle of roses and his best shirt on. His undercut is freshly buzzed and the long sections are gelled firmly to the side. Steve catches her at her locker and presents Peggy with the flowers. All her friends around her start giggling and Peggy looks utterly enamored. Bucky, on the other hand, is certain he looks green. His whole body aches and his stomach feels like it’s about ready to upend. He’s not sure what is more upsetting, the idea of Steve going to the prom with Peggy or the fact that Steve didn’t even bother to tell Bucky what he had planned. Bucky turns on his heels and walks out of school, ignoring the fact that he still has two periods left. 

Bucky manages to make it to his car before the tears come out, and he manages to drive his car to an empty parking lot down the road before the panic attack sets in. Bucky’s body curls into itself as much as he can while still buckled into the driver's seat. His shirt gets pulled up to cover his face as it gets harder and harder to breathe. Bucky spares a moment of thought to wonder if this is what Steve’s asthma attacks feel like. Like the air around him gets heavier and harder to breathe in. Like his body is filling with emotions to the point that he’s scared he might drown in it. 

The world continues to move around Bucky. The tears begin to slow down and Bucky manages to peak his head out from his shirt.

“Trees, bench, flowers, kite, kid.” Bucky slows his breathing down.

“My shirt, the steering wheel, my keys, a tissue.” Bucky uses the tissue to wipe at his face. 

“Wind, kid, traffic.” His breathing is almost back to normal and the tears have stopped. 

“Cars, BBQ.” Bucky breathes in for a few seconds, holds, and then releases. 

The last one is the hardest. Five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and  _ one _ good thing about yourself. 

“I am a good friend.” Bucky opens up the messaging app on his phone and sends a quick text off to Steve, congratulating him on his date to the prom. He couldn’t go back to school right this second, but he could at least try and make an effort. For Steve. God knows what Bucky would do for Steve.

* * *

 

The next day at school passes like any other. Bucky and Steve don’t have any classes together this year, so they’re left to see each other at lunch. When Bucky flops down at their table, Steve reaches out a hand to squeeze his shoulder in greeting. 

“How you feeling Buck? Heard ya went home early yesterday. Not getting sick are ya?” Steve asks, voice full of enough concern that it makes Bucky’s stomach twist. 

“Nah, just didn’t feel like it. You know me, failing half those classes anyways. What’s one more gonna do?” Bucky adds, chuckling.

“James Buchanan Barnes, you better stop talking like that. I know for a fact that you have an excellent GPA and are in more than a few advanced science classes.” Steve shoves at his shoulder with a glare before continuing to mutter about the sheer idea of Bucky failing a class and how idiotic that sounded. All while starting to shovel food in his mouth. 

God, he was gorgeous, especially like this. All worked up, full of righteous anger. Bucky just stared at him, the food in his bag all but forgotten. Steve turned to look at him, scowl fading away as he caught Bucky staring.

“You got any plans tonight, Buck?”

“Yeah I do,” Bucky can see Steve’s face fall just slightly. It’s all he’ll allow before he continues, “You’re coming over to my place. My parents are away for the weekend and Becca is staying with gramps.” 

“Jerk!”

“Punk!”

Their shoulders bump together as Steve motions for Bucky to get his food and start eating.

* * *

 

Bucky drives them back to his place, throwing his bag on the kitchen table before raiding it for snacks. Once Bucky has his treasures piled high on a plate for the both of them they move up to Bucky’s bedroom. The food is set on the small table before the pair of boys flop down into the bean bag chairs on the ground. Bucky tosses Steve a controller as he turns the game on. They play in mostly silence for a while. The game’s sound effects broken up by the sound of them munching away at the snacks and the occasional curse of burn thrown back and forth. They start off with player versus player but end up making their way over to cooperative. It’s a shooter game and Bucky is hiding up in the sniper's nest. At first, there had been lots for him to do, creatures and villains alike ready for him to shoot. However as the game progressed, Steve just kept getting all the kills. The more their kill count became skewed the more annoyed Bucky became. It eventually got to the point where he refocused his gun, smirking as he fired it.

“Did you just shoot me?” Steve’s voice is deadly quiet.

“Maybe, what’s it to ya?” Bucky snarks, taking Steve’s inattention as an opportunity to snipe a few more. 

Luckily Bucky has quick reflexes, one of the reasons he does so well as a sniper usually, and he hears the controller hit the floor. Giving Bucky a split second to scoot back with a laugh. Steve is coming after him full tilt and Bucky runs and jumps on the bed. Landing with a bounce and a grunt as Steve promptly lands on top of him. 

“Feeling a little mad there, Stevie?” Bucky rolls over to pin his friend, hands only loosely cuffing his wrists. When he feels Steve’s legs wrap around him to flip him over Bucky lets it happen. 

“Mad that you’re such a sore loser maybe. Feeling a little cranky that I managed to beat ya, are we?” Steve asked, the look in his eyes softening the sneer on his face. 

“I’m an angel, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Bucky pushed up slightly against the hands holding his wrists, just to feel Steve push down harder. 

Steve rolled his eyes, his sneer sliding into a smile. “You know Buck, there was something I wanted to tell ya.”

“Well, now’s as good of a time as any Steve. I’m quite literally at your disposal.” Bucky meant it as a joke but he’s fairly certain it didn’t come off that way. Bucky can feel the  _ want  _ in his words, it was only a matter of time before Steve noticed it too.

“Well, you texted me the other day congratulating me on asking Peg to prom. I just wanted to explain why I didn’t tell you about that first.” The words spill out of his mouth quickly, Steve looks away for a moment before looking directly at Bucky below him. “I only asked her out as a favour to her. You know how her Pa works in the admin department?”

Bucky nods, not quite sure he trusts his voice at this point.

“Well, Peg actually wants to go to prom with her girl Dottie but she knows her Pa doesn’t approve so I was supposed to make a big spectacle about asking her to throw him off her trail.”

Bucky blinks slowly. “So… you’re not going to prom with Peggy?” 

“Nah Buck, I feel like Dottie would rip me a new one if I actually asked Peg out.” Steve laughs, thumbs rubbing idly at Bucky’s wrists. “Nah, there was someone else I wanted to ask actually…” 

“Oh yeah?” Bucky felt his stomach sank, the tendrils of hope that had begun to bloom in his chest shrank back into him. 

“Was hoping you’d go with me, Buck.” Steve smirked and Bucky’s heart felt like it was about to beat out of his chest.

“As friends?” He managed to squeak out.

“No-pe,” Steve said, voice getting deeper as he popped the p. 

“Oh…” 

Steve’s body was stretched out over him. Bucky’s wrists pinned on his pillows and Steve’s long legs pressed up against his. He had to feel it, he had to know. Bucky could feel a fire rising inside him, his hands fidgeted until Steve moved to lock their fingers together. Pushing it farther into the pillow. The air feels thick and heavy around them and Bucky can’t help but gasp at the pressure on his hands. It’s all so much and not enough at the same time. 

Bucky looks up at him through hooded eyes, “Steve… please?”

Bucky isn’t quite sure what he’s asking for, but judging by the look on his face, Steve does.

Steve leans in closer, his face centimeters from Bucky’s. He could feel the heat of his breath across his face. Bucky didn’t think his face could get any more flush but crazier things had happened. 

“So is that a yes?” Steve asked, teasing.

Bucky tried to surge up, surprising himself when he realized that Steve was actually strong enough to hold him in place. Maybe he hadn’t been letting Steve win all along…

“Waiting for an answer…” Steve sing-songed.

“If you’re going to be an ass about it, I’m going to say no.” Bucky huffed.

“Aw, baby don’t be like that.” Steve grinned at Bucky, nose grazing against his cheek. Bucky could almost feel his lips pressed against him as he spoke. 

“Fine, yes. Just kiss me already, dam…”

Bucky’s curse was cut off as Steve pressed closer, their lips finally meeting. Bucky’s whole body surged up, pressing closer anywhere Steve let him. The heat between them felt like it was burning Bucky from the inside out. Steve’s tongue licked into his mouth and Bucky felt more than heard himself whimper. 

When Steve moved to pull away, Bucky whined. He got a nip on the lips for his effort before one last soothing peck. Steve pressed their foreheads together, breathing in each other's air in companionable silence. It was quiet, too quiet. So, of course, Bucky said the first thing that came to mind.

“I don’t think I’m straight anymore.” 

Steve laughed, hands easing off Bucky’s to flop down beside him in the bed. “Was that ever a possibility?”

“Hey, I like girls,” Bucky replied indignantly. 

“Yeah, and you also had the biggest crush on Keanu Reeves growing up.” 

“Everyone did, he’s a very charismatic man.”

“... And Orlando Bloom.”

“Stevie, he’s an elf. That’s amazing, who wouldn’t like an elf.”

“Don’t forget Chad Michael Murray. You cried during A Cinderella Story.” 

Bucky whacked Steve on the shoulder, “Hey, you know we’re not supposed to bring that up. What happens in blanket forts stay in blanket forts!” 

“I’m just saying Buck, I think the straight train left the station a few stops back. Plus… I mean, we did just make out.” 

Bucky can practically hear his smirk from his side of the bed. He rolls over and buries his face in Steve’s chest. “You’re the worst, you know that.” 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.” Steve’s hand made its way to Bucky’s hair, stroking through the long strands. “But for serious Buck, you don’t need to put a label on it or anything. Hell, god only knows the nonsense your Pa’s been putting into your head. Straight, bi, gay, queer. Only label that matters, is that you be you, Buck.”

“I don’t think I know how to be me,” Bucky replied honestly.

“Yeah, well, we’ll figure it out then.” Steve leaned down to kiss the top of Bucky’s head. 

“Together?”

“Always.” 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Funny (not) story. I actually was convinced I was straight for a stupid long time because I didn’t fit into any stereotypes even though I had several big gay crushes. Haha right? Now I’m just hella queer, so it all turned out for the best?


End file.
